I never really write personal reflections here. This blog for me has been for inspirational and cultural sharing of sorts. However, there comes a time when you desire to talk and not open you mouth at all and what better way to do that than through writing.
These last 4 years has been a space of growth, new adventure, and a true welcome into adulthood. Within this time period, I moved to NYC from Baltimore with no family and no job, my mother passed away at the mere age of 52, I’ve experience heartache, healing, and heartache. I’ve also been learning so much about life; that it is indeed what you make it and it is YOU that must make it what it is.
I’ve learned the truth that my twenties would be the most daring and even as I grow into my 30’s I miss that side of myself. I’ve tried love for the first time since this little heart was broken at the age of 15. It is much different in adulthood. Much more complicated, much more scary. But familial love I’m finding is much more real, important, and lasting than I would of ever thought it would be when I was younger.
Professionally, I am doing what I love which is writing and teaching. But there is something inside of me that still wants more. I want more experiences and more rewards. I’m grateful, but I also am easily bored and desire what I am worth. And I am convinced that there is nothing wrong with that at all. I believe that that longing will never die. I’m on the constant grind of balancing my intellectual and creative side and praying that the rewards for having and working both, will come to me.
I have learned so much about people and myself. “They” are complicated. I don’t understand “them”. At times I’m scared to trust “them”, scared to share myself with “them”, and if any one really pays attention they would find that this loud mouth on stage, on a pulpit, and on paper is really very mute in relationships and encounters. But my extroverted self finds joy, inspiration, and growth in “them”. And in the end, I realize I want and need “them” more than they know. For myself, I am “complicatively simple” or at least is on a campaign to get everyone to think that. I’m also obsessed with realizing my potential, obsessed with getting what I want, deeply humbly confident, obsessed with proving to the world that I am a good person. I am not sure that either is really healthy or is supposed to be.
In less than 30 days, another birthday will come around. I will get older. And as each day pass, I am writing the wisdom down, confronting and welcoming the lessons, journaling because I’m scared I will forget the moments. I’m also getting over things and moving on, accepting things and staying. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job at either, but the act of it is making me stronger each day and I can say I’m proud of myself. Proud of thinking, for working life out, for enjoying Joy, and trying to make sense out of it through reflecting.