I consider myself a thoughtful person, but I must admit most of my recent flaws in friendships have a lot to do with me not thinking at all. The first happened over a pure conversation of warning that blew up into a “he say, she say” mishap that I thought stopped occurring in High School.
The other occurred as a result of my greed to have the people I love all together, without considering another friends’ feelings. All purely intentional acts that produced different results to the people I care about, yet if I would have had what I call an “on the other hand thought process “I could of alleviated heartbreak, awkwardness, and drama.
So now I’m forced to rethink my thinking process. What is really going wrong up there? Is it that I’m not thinking things through, thinking correctly, thinking in a type of direction, or even thinking at all? My profession as a philosopher, which is a thinking vocation, has prepared me to think logically about arguments but not necessarily about others and all the angles of any action.
So today I no longer feel like a super friend. I now feel like a friend in need of tutoring, training. Friendships are not just about the fun you have, the things you share, and the things you give. I’m realizing it’s about the careful, very careful decisions you make with your mind. It’s as much cerebral as it is natural and outward.
The Classical Philosopher and tutor himself, Artistole, in his Nicomachean Ethics> states that “ without friends, no one would want to live, even if he had all other goods.” That is indeed my sentiment. My friendships add to my life and make it the awesome one that it is, so I value them and do not want them to disintegrate or disappear.
So what must I do to make sure that such a platonic death never occurs. Well first I’m glad that I recognize this non-thinking problem. That is important. What I have learned in the last two months is to make sure that I keep my friendships by curing this non-thinking thing I have so uncharacteristically going on within me. The question is how?
Well I believe that my answer is found in philosophy. English Philosopher Francis Bacon speaks to me today in his essay “On Friendship”. There he says the following:
“A principal fruit of friendship, is the ease and discharge of the fullness and swellings of the heart, which passions of all kinds do cause and induce… but no receipt openeth the heart, but a true friend; to whom you may impart…confession…. (Friendship) maketh daylight in the understanding, out of darkness, and confusion of thoughts… that whosoever hath his mind fraught with many thoughts, his wits and understanding do clarify and break up, in the communicating and discoursing with another; he tosseth his thoughts more easily; he marshalleth them more orderly, he seeth how they look when they are turned into words: finally, he waxeth wiser than himself”.
What I get from Bacon is two things: 1) Friendship is about confession and 2) they are there to help you make much better decisions in the first place. So today I confess that I’m not necessarily a bad friend, I just haven’t been thinking. Please forgive me! In addition, I’ve learned that perhaps the best way to think, is to get some help to do it, way before I act off of a thought that I didn’t “on the other hand” carefully put together.
I think if I do these things, my friendships will be healthier. And I will be too.